The BIG L

What is the BIG L word you ask? It is a word that I only use on a very limited basis. It is a word that has a lot of meaning but often misused and/or misinterpreted; which is why I am learning to avoid certain situations where the word can possibly appear.

I wonder what is so appealing to everyone about this L word. It seems to complicate things so badly. (If you begin to think you have the feeling in your heart for someone else, you better head for the hills because it is officially over.) It has been my experience that the more you let this maddening word into your life, the sicker you will become mentally.

Let’s use this example: You fall for him but you don’t know if he has fallen for you. When you tell him over dinner how much he means to you, he just tells you to pass the peas. ??? Ouch!

So what does that mean exactly? Hopefully it doesn’t mean he likes peas more than he likes you, but it means he doesn’t feel the same for you that you do for him. I’m sure all the signs were there but you had the BIG L all in your face that you couldn’t see clearly.

Once reality sets in, all you can do is dust yourself off, try to forget everything that led up to the point where you felt emotionally humiliated (and an absolute wreck), and move on with your life. Easier said than done (trust me I know).

Listen to all of those songs that talk about how much pain someone has felt due to the BIG L word. The song that stands out in my head the most is from the Spinners. They say, “It takes a fool to learn that _______ (fill in the blank) don’t ______ (fill in the blank) nobody.” And as I listen to the words replay in my mind, I can’t help but agree with them. Only a fool would put themselves through the heart wrenching turmoil that letting in the BIG L can bring to your life.

Let me add that the BIG L is a wonderful thing when two people have a meeting of the minds and BOTH are on the same page. When both people are in agreement on the direction of the relationship and are working together towards the same goal, I can’t help but to stand and applaud. However if you are in the other 95% of the population, I can only empathize with you.

The truth is that no matter how much the BIG L hurts, the majority of us are still going to rush to it. It doesn’t matter how many times your heart has been ripped out of your chest and kicked around like a soccer ball, you still long for the next time Mr. or Miss Right comes across your path. Pathetic sounding, but somewhat true. We anticipate the meeting of our next potential soul mate and rehearse in our heads how we want every situation to play out. (That could seem a bit extreme, ya think?).

We are all fools for the BIG L; both men and women. It’s embedded at our very core. We long for the emotional gratification that we think the BIG L can bring. No matter how much we care or think highly of ourselves, we want to know that someone out there is doting over us. We want to know that when we get home, someone has gone out of their way to make us feel special and appreciated. Not only do we want that from someone but ultimately, we want to do the same things in return.

The ones who say they don’t want the BIG L are possibly lying. They could be bitter or scared (like so many others). Can you blame them? Losing the BIG L for whatever reason is one of the hardest pills to swallow. It feels as if your arm was ripped out of the socket. Like your stomach is full of indigestible dirt. There are constant replays running through your mind on where it went wrong. You end up trying to immerse yourself into several activities to keep your mind occupied and prevent yourself from falling back into obsessive thought. There’s no escaping this madness. (Can’t you see?)

So now that I have vented and before I become imprisoned by my own memories of rejection; I have to decide to take a slightly higher road. I will confront that dreadful emotion, look it square in the eyes, and say “Thank You”.

“Thanks for the numerous smiles, stomach clenching laughter, and the silent tears. For the good and the not so good; I am forever grateful.”

Sound strange? Indeed it may, but with every loss of love comes a new appreciation for it.

The Story of a Broken Heart

A heart made a choice.  It recruited a mind and a body and formed a team.  Team Me.  As the team made its journeys through the LAND of LIFE, they encountered a lot of different experiences; some good and some not so good.  Team Me tried to enjoy everything the LAND of LIFE had to offer but at times became very lonely.  Despite Team Me’s loneliness, they did the best they could to make the most of things.

On a somewhat cloudy day, Team Me met Team You and suddenly things changed.  Everything in the LAND of LIFE seemed to be so much better.  The sun seemed to shine brighter, the air seemed to smell fresher, and even the flowers were more fragrant and vivacious.  Team Me was very happy that Team You was around.  Both teams seemed to get along extremely well.  They shared a lot of the same interests.  They learned a lot from each other.  They talked all the time about the LAND of LIFE; how things used to be, how things had become, where things were going. 

As time passed, the LAND of LIFE became more appealing to the outsiders.  Team Me tried their best to keep out the intruders, but was unsuccessful.   Team You didn’t think the intruders were so bad and eventually allowed them to stay around.  Team Me once again noticed that things in the LAND of LIFE had changed.  This time things changed for the worst.  The sun that once was so bright started to dim.  The air that once smelled so fresh became polluted.  The flowers that were so fragrant and vivacious became smelly and lackluster.  Even the bumpy roads the teams used to walk together seemed to become too difficult to navigate without the help of Team You. 

Team Me didn’t know what they were going to do; but eventually decided to leave the LAND of LIFE and go somewhere that was less polluted.  As Team Me was on its way out of the land it once inhabited, Team You surprisingly shows up.  Team You stated that the intruders were gone and would not get in the way again.  Team Me was very relieved and was happy at the outcome of things.  Team Me really didn’t want to leave.  Team You assured Team Me that if outsiders were about to get in the way again, Team Me would be notified. 

Everything was great again.  Team Me and Team You were inseparable.  The teams enjoyed doing the things that they once did together and even more.  Team Me forgot all about the outsiders and how they messed up the chemistry in the LAND of LIFE.  The bumps in the road didn’t even matter anymore.  Team Me wanted to make sure everything was good for Team You because that’s how important Team You was to Team Me.

On a very cold and dreary day, Team Me went to visit Team You and realized that there were new outsiders.  Team Me was devastated and wanted to talk with Team You.  Team You said that they didn’t get a chance to talk to Team Me about the current change in events.  Team You also stated that it would be best if it left the LAND of LIFE.  The union lasted about 2 years and ended just a quickly as it began.

Shortly after the demise of the union, Team Me faced its own personal hardships.  The heart couldn’t function properly.  It was constantly in pain and discomfort.  As days passed, it worsened.  Whenever the mind would think about things in the recent past with Team You, the heart would become extremely ill. 

The mind also had its own issues.  It was constantly in thought.  It wondered how things would be if Team You never entered the LAND of LIFE.  It wondered why pleasing outsiders was so important to Team You and how would Team You felt if the shoes were on the other feet.

Team Me, as a whole, was doing bad.  The heart decided to leave the group, it felt as if it got in the way and let the other team members down.  Not able to deal with the grief, it went into hiding and never appeared again.  It was rumored to have gone to the LAND of BROKEN HEARTS.  The mind and the body pleaded with the heart to stay, but it wouldn’t listen.  It couldn’t deal with the departure of Team You. The other abandoned teammates were left to wander the dull and dreary LAND of LIFE alone.  Although, other teams came and went; things never were the same after the departure of the heart. 

Things were never the same again.

Love’s Lessons

The object of my desire had an object of his desire.

The love that burned my fire had a love that burned his fire.

I wanted time spent with no other but he spent time with another.

At one time we had a spark, until he left me in the dark.

I have to say that on one hand I believe that love actually sucks and I don’t ever want to have that feeling of being “in” love again. It is a cruel emotion that tends to play cruel games with your heart and mind. At times, I have no problem embracing the philosophy that if you are looking for love, you are looking for trouble. My biggest problem was that I wasn’t looking for love but stumbled upon it and let it get the best of me. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, it devoured me. I didn’t have a clue on what to do. I had never in my life experienced something that was so powerful. I know that I have loved people before, but “loving” someone and being “in love” with someone is totally different; which I found out the hard way. Being in love seems to almost be an unconditional type love. It seems to be a love that wants more for the other person than yourself. It’s a love that puts the needs of the other person ahead of your own needs. It’s a love that puts the other person’s feelings in front of your own feelings. It’s a love that doesn’t laugh at someone’s failures or flaws, but tries to assist in helping overcome them. Even with all those things, if you feel this way for someone who doesn’t feel the same for you, you are doomed. I don’t want to be doomed again.

On the other hand, I want the feeling of being in a mutual “love” inspired relationship. Prior to stumbling upon my heart wrenching experience, I was totally content in my solitude. I was under the impression that certain things were not for me and the possibility of “love” to come into my horizon was very slim. However, this heart wrenching experience brought out a side in me that I was totally unaware even existed. I never felt the need prior to this experience to have what I would consider a selfless kind of love. I always thought that if it wasn’t going to benefit me, I wanted no part of it, cut my losses, and moved on. But having a selfless kind of love actually brought out a deeper kind of love which I would consider a first cousin to unconditional love. I call this an absolute love. I describe it as a love that never dies. Yes, things might change but the love stays. Even after the bond is broken, the love is still there. No matter what happens, if the timing is right, things can pick up where they left off and the bond be stronger than before.

Being “in” love has softened a part of my heart that was so hardened by my own life’s experiences and observations, that I can truly say I am a better person because of it. I now know why some people go through the things they go through; to save love. I will no longer close my heart off to love because of fear, but I will be patient because I now believe the right “mutual” love situation is out there just for me. I needed to go through my heart wrenching experience so that when the “real thing” shows up, I will be able to recognize it and welcome it with open arms.

my letter 2 U

This letter is to you. (You know who you are.)

I was your biggest fan. I WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAN! There was nothing that could convince me that you and I were not the best people for each other. I opened my heart to you and ALL of your baggage (good AND bad).

I didn’t judge you, criticize you, or make fun of your flaws. I accepted everything you told me and gave you the benefit of the doubt-even when I had a good feeling that it wasn’t true. I didn’t care; I just wanted to be with you. I had dreams of us conquering the world, nothing could/would hold us back when we put our minds together. We succeeded at several things together, proving that we could work as a team. We brainstormed and bounced ideas off of each other successfully. We interacted well around others and respected our differences of opinion. We shared a lot of the same interests in a wide variety of things and knew a lot about subjects others would find boring. I listened to you when you spoke. Sometimes you would like to go off on a tangent, but I enjoyed listening (learning). I also enjoyed encouraging you to pursue whatever ideas crossed your mind and I appreciated the same from you. I always looked forward to seeing you, even if I was upset at you for some reason. I used to feel so much better after speaking or seeing you. When it seemed our relationship was experiencing some sort of hiccup, it always got better. I adored you and I wanted to make sure you knew that you were appreciated for every thing (big or small) that you did for me and with me.

I used to think that there was something that I had done to sway you away from me. There were a few choices that you made that hurt me really deep, but I couldn’t close off my heart to you. I was still convinced that you were the one for me. I recognized that you were still hurting from a broken marriage. I recognized that you were hurting from not being able to spend adequate time with your children and help raise them in this raggedy world. I recognized that you were dealing with finding your own way and getting things on your terms. I wanted all of those things for you. I wanted you to be able to achieve everything you needed to achieve to be happy. I wanted more for you than it seemed like I wanted for myself, I felt that you deserved it.

I overlooked your indiscretions. I think it was the fact that I was scared of losing you (because I thought you were my perfect match). The thing that I liked most is that we were sooooo similar that it was ridiculous; however, I made choices that wouldn’t compromise the relationship I thought we were building.

You told me that you loved me one night and I wanted to believe it. It was the night you counted the days to our 1 year anniversary. You said we were at 356 days. 5 days after our 1 year anniversary you showed me yet again some actions that contradict some of the things you previously said. I don’t doubt that you cared for me, but you didn’t care about me the way that I needed you to. I needed reassurance in our relationship. I needed to know that we were working toward the same goal. Your actions showed otherwise.

I want to know why you did the things you did, but it all boils down to your personal choices. I can only say that regardless of what you do, I will still love you; but I have to love myself first. I will not hold the things that you have done to me against you or any one else. There is no need.

After saying that, I have to give thanks to GOD for what you have done to me, because HE showed me that you were not the man for me; no matter how much I didn’t want to believe it. I wish the best for you and ALL of your many endeavors. And even though I will no longer be a part of your life, I hope everything still goes your way. I will keep you and your children in my prayers. Good-bye.

Identity

What’s your name? Who are you?
What do people say?
What’s true?
How do you represent you?
Are you gimme? Are you gotcha?
Are you Remy? Are you Vodka?
Maybe you are Marijuana.
Maybe you’re a Prima Donna.
When you speak how do they feel?
Since you always “keep it real”
Trying to have a heart of steel,
in a world that’s so surreal.
Don’t wonder why they glare
and walk around like they don’t care.
And then you changed your hair?
But your life still needs repair.
Try to push the shell aside.
No need for searches far and wide.
Bring back nights of when you cried.
All your answers lie deep inside.

V Day Blessings / Broken Pieces

To all of you fortunate to have found a mutual romantic LOVE in your life; I wish you much success. Cherish each moment spent with one another as if it was YOUR very last. Appreciate your partner for who they are and who they will become. Remember that great things take time; so, do your best not to throw the good out with the bad (unless it’s just plain awful). Best of Luck to you all!

This poem is for all of those living with a broken heart.

I didn’t know this from the start;

that Love would come and break my heart.

Days that Love once filled with glee,

are now just a distant memory.

Like my reflection in a mirror,

Love was ever so clear.

Long walks, late talks;

time spent so sincere.

Plans for escaping

to lands far and near.

Dreams turned into nightmares,

as happiness began to disappear.

Sleepless nights. Loss of appetites.

Unable to see.

Amnesia of self. Absence of pride.

“Oh, who could this be?”

Unchained reason and redeemed dignity,

as Love handed my broken heart back to me.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Trust & Happiness

Let’s take this time to focus our attention on the word TRUST. Who and why do we trust? To trust or not to trust…That IS the question. (I just had to throw that in there). Trusting another human being is like setting yourself up for failure.

The trust that we place in people can easily shatter since we all are naturally fickle and can change like the weather.

We want to believe that others will do as they say (or have said). We want to believe that the words being spoken to us are the real deal. We want to believe that the people we have chosen to allow into our lives have the same interest for our well being as we do theirs. There is a saying that i’m sure everyone has heard and it goes, “If you only trust yourself, no one can hurt you.”

TRUST YOURSELF. You can control the words coming out of your mouth. You can control the actions that you take. You can still choose to allow people into your life and care about them, just do not have expections that these people will offer anything of the same merit back to you.

Trusting yourself includes your thoughts (having your own mind), your actions (what you have control over), as well as your own judgment (preserving your dignity). Once you trust yourself, you will become the kind of person that you can be happy with for the rest of your life.

And if you can’t be happy with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to be happy with you?

Please note: I put my trust in the LORD. In HIS word, HE promises to never leave and HIS love is unconditional. (What more could I ask for?)

Green Reality

With a new reality show popping up every other day, it’s obvious that our society has an obsession with other people’s lives (or what we perceive other people’s lives to be).

When we see our friends/family/acquaintances get new houses, cars, or other big ticket items, we congratulate them and then turn around and plot out a way to get something bigger and better so that they can be awestruck with us.

“Why can’t I get a new job, take an exotic vacation, or even get some unexpected money.” We say to ourselves. Heaven forbid if we actually say those things out loud and someone hears us. Embarrassment of the green eyed monster that lives in us all (-to a certain extent.)

Why should I care that…

You just bought a brand new Lexus GS300?

You just bought a new designer pair of shoes?

You just got a 3 karat diamond ring?

My question to you is, “Are you counting down until you get paid again?” If the answer is, “YES”, then you are probably still as broke as me.

The point I am trying to make is a simple one. Don’t let other people’s “smoke and mirrors” get to you, causing you to feel inferior. Anyone who is showcasing what they have is trying to use that to make you feel less worthy (as if they are the only ones worthy). It doesn’t matter who that person is to you in your life.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times when we have achievements in our lives that we want to share with our loved ones. That’s great, fine and dandy, but not what I am referring to. We all know people who only come around when they are trying to show you what they have. We all know someone who will call us out of the blue to brag on their wonderful successes. The ones that could care less about what you have going on in your world just as long as you and everyone else know how GREAT life is going for them. They want to see the green eyed monster in you.

Why?

Well, you already know why; it makes them think they have power over you. And you give them power by allowing that side of you to come out (whether internal or external).

Know that your achievements –whether BIG or small – are just as significant and important.

Plus, who are we actually in competition with? The next man/woman doesn’t care if we have gone into debt trying to show that they aren’t flashier than us. Why should they when they are worried about trying to pay off that enormous debt they incurred by trying to make you feel like crap?

Ultimately, we should only be in competition with ourselves; to be better than we were the day before or even the year before. Only at that time can we can make our own lives a better reality where others will be green trying to mirror us.