Love’s Lessons

The object of my desire had an object of his desire.

The love that burned my fire had a love that burned his fire.

I wanted time spent with no other but he spent time with another.

At one time we had a spark, until he left me in the dark.

I have to say that on one hand I believe that love actually sucks and I don’t ever want to have that feeling of being “in” love again. It is a cruel emotion that tends to play cruel games with your heart and mind. At times, I have no problem embracing the philosophy that if you are looking for love, you are looking for trouble. My biggest problem was that I wasn’t looking for love but stumbled upon it and let it get the best of me. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, it devoured me. I didn’t have a clue on what to do. I had never in my life experienced something that was so powerful. I know that I have loved people before, but “loving” someone and being “in love” with someone is totally different; which I found out the hard way. Being in love seems to almost be an unconditional type love. It seems to be a love that wants more for the other person than yourself. It’s a love that puts the needs of the other person ahead of your own needs. It’s a love that puts the other person’s feelings in front of your own feelings. It’s a love that doesn’t laugh at someone’s failures or flaws, but tries to assist in helping overcome them. Even with all those things, if you feel this way for someone who doesn’t feel the same for you, you are doomed. I don’t want to be doomed again.

On the other hand, I want the feeling of being in a mutual “love” inspired relationship. Prior to stumbling upon my heart wrenching experience, I was totally content in my solitude. I was under the impression that certain things were not for me and the possibility of “love” to come into my horizon was very slim. However, this heart wrenching experience brought out a side in me that I was totally unaware even existed. I never felt the need prior to this experience to have what I would consider a selfless kind of love. I always thought that if it wasn’t going to benefit me, I wanted no part of it, cut my losses, and moved on. But having a selfless kind of love actually brought out a deeper kind of love which I would consider a first cousin to unconditional love. I call this an absolute love. I describe it as a love that never dies. Yes, things might change but the love stays. Even after the bond is broken, the love is still there. No matter what happens, if the timing is right, things can pick up where they left off and the bond be stronger than before.

Being “in” love has softened a part of my heart that was so hardened by my own life’s experiences and observations, that I can truly say I am a better person because of it. I now know why some people go through the things they go through; to save love. I will no longer close my heart off to love because of fear, but I will be patient because I now believe the right “mutual” love situation is out there just for me. I needed to go through my heart wrenching experience so that when the “real thing” shows up, I will be able to recognize it and welcome it with open arms.

my letter 2 U

This letter is to you. (You know who you are.)

I was your biggest fan. I WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAN! There was nothing that could convince me that you and I were not the best people for each other. I opened my heart to you and ALL of your baggage (good AND bad).

I didn’t judge you, criticize you, or make fun of your flaws. I accepted everything you told me and gave you the benefit of the doubt-even when I had a good feeling that it wasn’t true. I didn’t care; I just wanted to be with you. I had dreams of us conquering the world, nothing could/would hold us back when we put our minds together. We succeeded at several things together, proving that we could work as a team. We brainstormed and bounced ideas off of each other successfully. We interacted well around others and respected our differences of opinion. We shared a lot of the same interests in a wide variety of things and knew a lot about subjects others would find boring. I listened to you when you spoke. Sometimes you would like to go off on a tangent, but I enjoyed listening (learning). I also enjoyed encouraging you to pursue whatever ideas crossed your mind and I appreciated the same from you. I always looked forward to seeing you, even if I was upset at you for some reason. I used to feel so much better after speaking or seeing you. When it seemed our relationship was experiencing some sort of hiccup, it always got better. I adored you and I wanted to make sure you knew that you were appreciated for every thing (big or small) that you did for me and with me.

I used to think that there was something that I had done to sway you away from me. There were a few choices that you made that hurt me really deep, but I couldn’t close off my heart to you. I was still convinced that you were the one for me. I recognized that you were still hurting from a broken marriage. I recognized that you were hurting from not being able to spend adequate time with your children and help raise them in this raggedy world. I recognized that you were dealing with finding your own way and getting things on your terms. I wanted all of those things for you. I wanted you to be able to achieve everything you needed to achieve to be happy. I wanted more for you than it seemed like I wanted for myself, I felt that you deserved it.

I overlooked your indiscretions. I think it was the fact that I was scared of losing you (because I thought you were my perfect match). The thing that I liked most is that we were sooooo similar that it was ridiculous; however, I made choices that wouldn’t compromise the relationship I thought we were building.

You told me that you loved me one night and I wanted to believe it. It was the night you counted the days to our 1 year anniversary. You said we were at 356 days. 5 days after our 1 year anniversary you showed me yet again some actions that contradict some of the things you previously said. I don’t doubt that you cared for me, but you didn’t care about me the way that I needed you to. I needed reassurance in our relationship. I needed to know that we were working toward the same goal. Your actions showed otherwise.

I want to know why you did the things you did, but it all boils down to your personal choices. I can only say that regardless of what you do, I will still love you; but I have to love myself first. I will not hold the things that you have done to me against you or any one else. There is no need.

After saying that, I have to give thanks to GOD for what you have done to me, because HE showed me that you were not the man for me; no matter how much I didn’t want to believe it. I wish the best for you and ALL of your many endeavors. And even though I will no longer be a part of your life, I hope everything still goes your way. I will keep you and your children in my prayers. Good-bye.