The object of my desire had an object of his desire.
The love that burned my fire had a love that burned his fire.
I wanted time spent with no other but he spent time with another.
At one time we had a spark, until he left me in the dark.
I have to say that on one hand I believe that love actually sucks and I don’t ever want to have that feeling of being “in” love again. It is a cruel emotion that tends to play cruel games with your heart and mind. At times, I have no problem embracing the philosophy that if you are looking for love, you are looking for trouble. My biggest problem was that I wasn’t looking for love but stumbled upon it and let it get the best of me. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, it devoured me. I didn’t have a clue on what to do. I had never in my life experienced something that was so powerful. I know that I have loved people before, but “loving” someone and being “in love” with someone is totally different; which I found out the hard way. Being in love seems to almost be an unconditional type love. It seems to be a love that wants more for the other person than yourself. It’s a love that puts the needs of the other person ahead of your own needs. It’s a love that puts the other person’s feelings in front of your own feelings. It’s a love that doesn’t laugh at someone’s failures or flaws, but tries to assist in helping overcome them. Even with all those things, if you feel this way for someone who doesn’t feel the same for you, you are doomed. I don’t want to be doomed again.
On the other hand, I want the feeling of being in a mutual “love” inspired relationship. Prior to stumbling upon my heart wrenching experience, I was totally content in my solitude. I was under the impression that certain things were not for me and the possibility of “love” to come into my horizon was very slim. However, this heart wrenching experience brought out a side in me that I was totally unaware even existed. I never felt the need prior to this experience to have what I would consider a selfless kind of love. I always thought that if it wasn’t going to benefit me, I wanted no part of it, cut my losses, and moved on. But having a selfless kind of love actually brought out a deeper kind of love which I would consider a first cousin to unconditional love. I call this an absolute love. I describe it as a love that never dies. Yes, things might change but the love stays. Even after the bond is broken, the love is still there. No matter what happens, if the timing is right, things can pick up where they left off and the bond be stronger than before.
Being “in” love has softened a part of my heart that was so hardened by my own life’s experiences and observations, that I can truly say I am a better person because of it. I now know why some people go through the things they go through; to save love. I will no longer close my heart off to love because of fear, but I will be patient because I now believe the right “mutual” love situation is out there just for me. I needed to go through my heart wrenching experience so that when the “real thing” shows up, I will be able to recognize it and welcome it with open arms.
